This past Christmas my mother's parents moved into a retirement community apartment near my parents' house. For like six months before that, my mother (being the only child who lives in town) was helping them sort through all the stuff in their house and decide what to keep and what to give away/dispose of.

The kicker being that my yuppie aunt had already made off with or claimed most of the good stuff: the antique mortar and pestle sets from my great-grandfather, the druggist; the wooden chest music box; I think the good china. My mother rescued the old Singer sewing machine for herself by the skin of her teeth. Yuppie Aunt was probably going to put it on display at her weekend ranch; Mom will actually use it. Advantage = Mom.

Part of the problem is that Yuppie Aunt thinks the rest of us live like tasteless heathens. Not that she has said as much out loud, but we've all seen her roll her eyes when she's come to my parents' house for holidays. She has one child, who contains his messes (such as they are) to his room. There were four of us, and we used to roller skate in circles around the hard wood floors of our house. So in a way she has a point, but then again, the youngest of us is 20 now, and mr rampy and I, at least, keep a very nice home, chockful of tasteful matching bibelots.

Meanwhile Mom was/is stressing about making sure that not only will we kids all get heirlooms from Grandma and Grandpa, but that we also collect enough heirlooms to be able to pass on (exponentially) items to any children we may have. My inclination was to say that our kids will just have to deal if it turns out that they really really wanted a set of colored tin glasses from the sixties, but Mom is so locked in mortal combat with Yuppie Aunt that I don't think she heard me.

On top of everything else, Yuppie Aunt criticizes Mom's sorting of Grandma and Grandpa's things every time she comes to visit. She thinks they aren't being picky enough, and that Mom is making them hold onto all sorts of junk that they should toss instead. Seeing as how Grandma routinely sold Mom, Yuppie Aunt, and their sister (Hippie Aunt)'s most cherished toys at garage sales, I don't know why Yuppie Aunt thinks Grandma would be on board for this 'keeping the crap' plan, but maybe she thinks my mom's packrat-ness is overwhelming Grandma's natural fastidiousness in Grandma's old age.

So Mom has started purposefully leaving junk (plastic straws, broken silverware) in the drawers so that Yuppie Aunt will get a clue that Mom isn't, actually, saving everything. All the subterfuge and annoyance is getting to Mom. I can tell, because she sent me an email bringing me up to speed on the latest drama and ending it with "she seems to think I have no BRANS."

I just hope my sisters and I don't end up like this. Although I already know that littlest sis spells 'brains' 'brans' during times of emotional stress, courtesy of one night when I was babysitting her and she opted to go on strike and parade up and down the hallway waving a sign proclaiming "RAMPY HAS NO BRANS" rather than go to bed.

So maybe it's genetic. Meanwhile, I am happy with the tea cup Grandma passed on to me at Christmas and all the memories I already had.

In other news, I am #2 if you google dost + thou + have + a + mug + of + ale + for + me + and + me + mate? + He + has + been + pitched + in + battle + for + a + fortnight.

And like 127th if you google school + turnip + pictures. It was all the way on page 13. Apparently someone really wants those pictures.