Creaky sinuses and wracked by tickley sneezes that inflate one's lungs with a barking seal noise ill.

I've narrowed the causes down to:

• Sudden change in seasons wherein winter threw spring for a loop and went right into summer.

• Cat allergy.

• El workers massaging my El card with their dirty paws.

• Recently resurrected and reinstalled air conditioners blowing powdered rat feces and dust from the basement over my angelic face while I sleep.

The cause is moot. The important thing now is to look on the bright side: if I keep my current rate of seizure-iffic germ-expulsion steady through the end of the week, I will have spread enough plague to take out at least a third of the people working at my client's office.

I'm hoping all the next-day UPS shipments will help in keeping the infectious beasties nice and freshly thriving.

And then, some peace and quiet.