I hate Amazon.com and all its little witches. I hate it all the more for having once loved it with the tender regard and unbruised trust of a wide-eyed neophyte to online book ordering. SO MANY BOOKS AVAILABLE! OOH, SAVINGS! WISH LIST! RECOMMENDATIONS EXPLORER!

But first their stock tanked after we bought it (thanks, Jeff Bozos!), and then they eliminated the recommendations explorer feature, and now they are taking more liberties with my last order than a holidaying Turkish pirate tanked up on hash.

In the interests of demonstrating what iniquitous malefactors they are, here is my latest correspondence with them. You might think I would have a reservation or two about posting these. Amazon's winged monkeys could read them and return the favor by posting personal information like my credit card number in my guestbook. But then again, what are the odds that Amazon routinely googles all the pissy emails they get? Or has customer service staff equipped with opposable thumbs for navigating the web?

Act the First: In Which Our Heroine Writes a Polite Note to Inform Amazon that Their Computer System Has a Tiny Glitch and Receives a Prompt Reply Which Lulls Her into a False Sense of Having Had Her Problem Redressed

From me:

When originally placed, this order totaled (a sum larger than $99) and thus qualified for the free shipping offer. �I have since received five of the items from it, which has brought the outstanding order total down to (less than $99).

Because two of the items keep being delayed, Amazon now seems to think they were an order on their own and is now charging me shipping on them. This seems unfair, as they were part of a previous order that was well over $99.

I have been a very good customer in the past, but the shabbiness of this situation makes me want to cancel the rest of my order and not use Amazon in the future.

Please let me know if I will be charged for shipping if I allow this (already very delayed) order to continue to process. �I realize that in itself the shipping does not amount to much, but it is the principle of the thing, especially since the order is already *so delayed*.

Thank you,

rampion

From Amazon:

Dear rampion,

Thank you for writing to Amazon.com with your concern.

I would like to reassure you that you will not be charged for shipping on this order. �We hope to ship the remaining items on you order soon. You may if you wish cancel the remaining gifts on this order.

Thanks for shopping at Amazon.com.

Best regard,

Some Customer Service Wench

Act the Second: In Which Our Heroine Drops Amazon Another Line after Amazon Charges Shipping on the Next Miniscule Portion of the Order That They Finally Ship Her after a Two Month Wait

From me:

Despite the fact that the email I am replying to here assured me that I would not be charged shipping on this order, the email I am copying below shows that I am, in fact, being charged for shipping. �As I said before, this seems like a very shoddy way of doing business, especially when someone had already assured me that this was being taken care of.

What is the point of offering deals and coupons as an incentive if you are going to turn around and nickel-and-dime the customer out of the savings you promised them? You might as well not make up special offers at all, rather than build up illwill by shipping part of the order and then recalculating the bill to make more of a profit yourself. �I realize, as I said before, that this is not at all a huge amount of money at stake in my particular case, but the fact remains that this is a terrible way to build customer loyalty and trust and encourage repeat business.

Act the Third: In Which Amazon Uses a Diversionary Tactic of Unparallelled Idiocy to Stall Our Heroine's Complaint. And Copies Her Use of **s to Stress the Really Important Parts as If One's Reader Were a Child of Two.

From Amazon:

Thanks for writing to us at Amazon.com.

For security reasons, we can only modify orders or send account information when the request comes from the e-mail address that is associated with your Amazon.com account. �We feel that this is the best way to ensure that any changes are authorized by the account holder and that your personal information is not compromised.

If you could write back from the e-mail address used to place the order, we'll attend to your request right away. �We appreciate your patience with our security measures.

Please be sure to write to us *from the e-mail address on your account* if you have any further questions, and thank you for shopping at Amazon.com.

Best regards,

Some Customer Service Bastard

Act the Fourth: In Which Our Heroine Is Having None of That

From me:

This *is* the email address associated with my Amazon.com account. �Every piece of email I have ever received from Amazon, including the one copied below and the one to which I applied, plus all the special offers and spam, came/come to this address.

It is my school address and under my maiden name, if that is what is confusing.

If you would check your records, you will find that this is the correct address.

The sad thing is that the amount of money involved in my case is like two dollars. But it is so the principle of the matter! I mean, if they are scamming two dollars out of every customer still using Amazon.com as their online book ordering service of choice, that's like $20. You could buy a pizza with that.